It hasn't been till just recently that I realized that I am homesick. I didn't know that it was possible to be homesick without knowing it! Homesickness hasn't materialized as crying hysterically or pining to be home...it's materialized as a disconnection. About two weeks (or so) ago, I realized that in the state that I was in, Christmas could come and go and I wouldn't really be affected by it. I wasn't excited for Christmas- I didn't seem to have any interest in decorating the house, baking cookies, organizing a Christmas day celebration, etc. All of that just seemed like work to me...work that I wasn't interested in.
Suddenly, at a particularly low point...I had a multi-fold epiphany. First, it wasn't that I didn't care about Christmas. It wasn't that Christmas could come and go without celebration it and I wouldn't be affected either way...its that homesickness had invaded without me realizing. Like I said before, It materialized in the form of disconnect. It was easier to emotionally remove myself then to acknowledge that I am so far away from home and that this holiday season looks so much different than ever before. It was easeir to emotionally remove myself then to acknowledge that I am so far away from so many people whom I love.
Second-if a change of scenery, lack of tradition and familial presence was enough to make me not engage in the season-not really celebrate the birth of whom I believe to be the Savior of the Universe...what did that really say about what I believe? Taking it a step further....if a change of scenery, lack of tradition and familial presence was enough to make me not engage in the season...what had I been celebrating for the past 23 years?! I would throw around the phrase "reason for the season" and what not..but how much had I really, truly considered what the true reason is apart from the commercialization and tradition? Here, there is no illusion of Christmas- there are some trees and lights sprinkled here and there (apparently a lot more than ever before).
I am grateful that there is no illusion. It has really caused reflection on my part. And that reflection has led me to recommit to what this Holiday season was all about in its inception...recommit to the celebration of God coming in human form!
So guess what my housemates and I are doing? We are throwing a huge party...because you know what? We believe that if any birthday is worth celebrating...Jesus Christ's birthday is most definitely it!!! (I think we are even going to make a huge cake that says "Happy Birthday Jesus" with the numbers 2042 on it :)
Oh and please don't worry-I am no longer homesick. Sure, I would love to be with my family right now...but there is so much joy and anticipation in my heart for next week!
It is my desire that you (whoever might read this) would too know the glorious love, hope, joy and peace that can be found in engaging in the meaning of this season!
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Grace and peace and the third way,
Kait
